Whose Line With the Hackers!
by Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform
Summary: Think the Project dot Hack gang can host a game show while keeping their sanity at the same time? With video game characters bursting through the ceiling, a hord of Mary-Sues hungry for revenge, and even more craziness, I think not. . .
1. And So It Begins!

Okay, peeps. This story was deleted once because I was stupid and forgot you can't put real people in your fics, so I had to change a few things. But THEN FanFiction .Net suddenly decides that script-format is not allowed (and what's wrong with script-format, anyway??), so I ALSO had to go all out of my way and re-write the story in regular story-text. Sheesh. --.-- But anyway, it's back up and I had saved most of your reviews which have all been re-posted under "Anonymous". So enjoy. . .again! =D  
  
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%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES-%!%  
  
Hi, hello, and welcome to. . . .(doo doo doo doo!) my very first fanfic here on ! Thanks muchly for taking the time to check it out! (huggles you) =333!! . . . . .(ahem) Annnnnywho, I do not, I repeat, DO NOT(!!!) own .hackSIGN or .hackINFECTION or even Whose Line is it Anyway! Comprendé? Bueno! So, without further ado, I give to you (hehe, rhyming is fun ). . . .  
  
WHOSE%LINE%WITH%THE%HACKERS!  
  
------------by: yours truly,  
  
%!%-Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform-%!%  
  
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Standing in the audience, Kite smiles. "Hey, everybody! It's Whose Line! We've got a great show for you tonight, but first. . . . Bet you can't guess my gender, it's Tsukasa!"  
  
Tsukasa glares.  
  
"Who the hell doesn't like lettuce, it's BT!"  
  
BT glares.  
  
"Grandpa, buy me some candy, it's Bear!"  
  
Bear glares.  
  
"And trust me, that chest armor shouldn't be THAT big, it's Mimiru!"  
  
Mimiru glares and secretly begins plotting Kite's death.  
  
Our blue-haired Twin Blade host guy person then jumps down from the bleachers and sits at his desk. "Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't matter. Just like those damned Crimson Knights!  
  
The audience cracks up: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Kite raises an eyebrow. "Um. . .yeah. . .? Okay, control yourself and we'll get started. . ."  
  
The audience is now laughing even harder: "HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!"  
  
"What's wrong with them??" Kite mouths to the "actors" and jerks his thumb towards the audience.  
  
They shrug and mouth back, "I don't know."  
  
Kite then notices everyone's waiting for the show to continue snaps back to fictional reality. "Um, okay, let's get started! Our first game is everyone's favorite, Hoe-down!"  
  
The audience applause wildly and this causes Kite to stop and stare into space, smiling. "Damn, I love that applause sign. . ."  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Kite smacks his forehead.  
  
"Now look what you did, Kite!" Bear yells up at our blue-haired Twin Blade host guy person. The latter just runs his hand down his face and mutters, "Okaaay, well, let's begin before I burst a vein. . ."  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Kite cringes and says through clenched teeth, "Now someone give me the name of. . ." He reads the card with a strange look. "Something that. . .smells. . .good. . .?"  
  
In the ever-cracking-up audience. . .  
  
Elk smiles and yells out, "Aromatic Grass!"  
  
With a grin Mia shouts, "Catnip!"  
  
"Aromatic Grass!!"  
  
"Roses!" BlackRose giggles.  
  
"Aromatic Grass, dammit!!"  
  
Suddenly, Orca jumps up and yells, "Balmung!"  
  
"Okay!" Kite gives him a weird look. ". . .Balmung. . ."  
  
"AROMATIC GRASS!!!"  
  
"Okay, BALMUNG," Kite says again, and rolls his eyes.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Kite glares at the audience. "Okay, so let's do the Balmung Hoe-down."  
  
Mistral (why her, I have no clue) then begins the Hoe-down music while the "Actors" walk over to their places on the stage.  
  
Tsukasa begins to sing. . .  
  
"Well, Balmung of the Azure Sky looks really fly  
  
And with his sweet scent to match, you just can't deny. . .it.  
  
That secret shampoo he uses smells oh-so-good.  
  
Now I'm beginning to picture myself rubbing it on him while he's nude."  
  
Kite is speechless, his face now looking like this: 0.0  
  
The audience- . . .well, we all know what they're gonna do.  
  
It is now BT's turn to sing. . .  
  
"Little Tsukasa has a crush on Balmung, you see.  
  
But who wouldn't with a guy who always smells of the sea?  
  
I don't know what shampoo he uses or what cologne.  
  
But, mmm, I can just imagine all the things we could do if we were alone."  
  
Kite's eyes grow even wider: O.O  
  
The audience- . . .once again. . . .  
  
Bear now steps up. . .  
  
"Some people say I look like Orca from .hackINFECTION  
  
And I've heard he works with Balmung in the Azure Sky section.  
  
There's just one thing, though, I don't get inside my head.  
  
Why sit around all day with him when you could just take him to bed?"  
  
Kite's eyes can now barely fit inside his head: (()).(())  
  
The audience- . . .okay, let's just forget about these people.  
  
Mimiru now begins her turn. . .  
  
"I don't get why everyone has to be this way  
  
And treat Balmung likes he's their sex toy to use all day.  
  
I think he smells like dead fish in the ocean water.  
  
Besides, that little wave master is way, way hotter."  
  
Bear and BT then fall to their knees, out-stretch their arms with a grin, and finish with, "Way, way hotterrrrr!" Tsukasa just stands there, stunned until Mistral ends the song and then the "actors" take their seats.  
  
"Yeeeeeeeeaaaahhh." Kite secretly begins to question the four's sanity and wonders why he even volunteered for this job in the first place, but then remembers that he sold his free will to the authoress for a cookie, so he forgets everything he was thinking about and the empty space that is his mind is filled with that lovely elevator music once again. . . Oh, wait, we have a show to do here. "Uh, let's move on to the next game. . .Scenes from a Hat!"  
  
The audience clapped and Kite said, jokingly, "Well, it seems you all aren't high anymore. I'm glad." They then smiled proudly.  
  
"Okay, here's how the game works," the blue-haired Twin Blade host guy person continued. "Before the show we ask the audience to write suggestions down and then we pick out the GOOD ones and put them in this hat."  
  
". . .Tee-hee."  
  
Kite glared as he took a magician hat out from under his desk. "THEN, the "actors" have to perform whatever the scene is. So let's begin with. . ." Closing his eyes, he took a slip of paper out from the hat. "Use Aromatic Grass for the next game or no mm-mm-mmhmm tonight- Dammit, Elk!" He gave the said Wave Master a death glare while blushing furiously. At this, Tsukasa, BT, and Bear's eyes grew wide and their jaws fell open. Mimiru began cracking up and the audience did a little "Oooooooooh."  
  
Grumbling, Kite crumpled the paper up in his right hand. "Okay, the next scene is. . ." He took out another slip from the hat. "Ooh, I like this one. If Maha could talk."  
  
Tsukasa walked up onto the middle of the stage and said, "I'm so addicted to this WEED."  
  
The audience laughed. . .like always.  
  
"Heheheh," Kite chuckled. He then pulled out another slip and his face immediately fell. "Oh my god. . . . What Kite does when no one's watching."  
  
Mimiru walked up, turned around, and pretended to make-out with someone, moaning, "Ohhhhh, Elk. . . ."  
  
Kite glared and pulled out another slip. "Heheheh. An entry from Subaru's journal."  
  
Since everyone else was much too afraid of the blue-haired control-freak witch banning them from The World if they even mocked her in the slightest bit, Tsukasa walked up yet again and pretended to be writing something. "Dear Journal, I have just started playing The World and it is great. However, someone already had the name Supreme Ruler of All, so I had to use the name of a CAR."  
  
"Hahahaha," Kite laughed, quickly looking around him right after to make sure Subaru wasn't anywhere around. She already gave him one high-heeled-boot-scar where the sun don't shine. "Okay, next one. . ." he continued, pulling out yet another slip. "If GUARDIAN could talk."  
  
This time, Bear walked up and simply shrugged. "It all went to my thighs."  
  
"Hahahahaha. Okay, last one. . ." He pulled out the last slip. "Heheh. Things Tsukasa could have said to Subaru to ruin the moment while they were sitting and holding hands."  
  
Tsukasa's eyes widened and BT and Bear walked up together, holding hands. Then, BT suddenly turned to the old animal-named man and asked, "Have you ever licked a Popsicle in a mischievous way?" Bear just gave her a strange look.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!!" Kite laughed, spinning around in his secretary chair. It was the others' turn to question HIS sanity. But he soon stopped and said, "Okay, everyone, let's go to a quick commercial break and when we come back we'll find out who the winner is."  
  
"But you never gave us any points!" Tsukasa yelled up to the blue-haired Twin Blade host guy person.  
  
"Stay tuned! =)"  
  
%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%  
  
Helba was sitting at a news desk looking all important-like. "Can watching Whose Line cause severe brain damage? Tonight at ten."  
  
%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%  
  
"Aaaaand we're back!"  
  
"Not Tsukasa and Mimiru," Bear said.  
  
Kite's ears perked up. "Huh? Why?"  
  
"They went to the bathroom."  
  
%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%  
  
Tsukasa and Mimiru are seen rolling around on the bathroom floor, making out.  
  
%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%  
  
"Well, whatever," Kite shrugged it off. Anyway, it's time to find out who the winner is!"  
  
"YAY!! =)" the audience cheered.  
  
"Okay! The winner of today's show is. . ."  
  
BT and Bear's eyes grew wide in anticipation.  
  
"Elkie-kun!! =3" Kite exclaimed, a heart floating above his head.  
  
The blonde and old animal-named man's eyes became even wider. "WHAT!!?"  
  
With a grin, Elk ran down from the bleachers and jumped onto Kite's lap, making a "=3"-y face. His blue-haired Twin Blade host guy person boyfriend then began petting his little head, the pet-ee purring and making even more "=3"s.  
  
"And remember how the winner gets to do something "special" with me. . .?" Kite whispered flirtatiously.  
  
Elk gave a naughty smile.  
  
BT and Bear's eyes were now the size of saucer's.  
  
Just then, Mimiru suddenly came bouncing onto the stage with Tsukasa. "Hey, guys! Did we miss anything?"  
  
"Oh, it's nothing you and Tsukasa didn't already do during your little "bathroom break"," the blonde replied coolly.  
  
". . ."  
  
"Okay, everyone!" Kite suddenly announced. "That's all for today's show! BT and Mimiru will read the credits for ya as two prostitutes in a cat fight while Elkie and I go to the "bathroom"! Goodnight!" He then gave them all a wink and left the two said girls to stand there with wide eyes, speechless.  
  
"Well? What're you waiting for??" Bear spoke up. "Tsukasa and I wanna see some action!"  
  
"Okay!" BT exclaimed with an evil grin. She then punched Mimiru right in the jaw. "HOW COULD YOU TELL TANAKA YUKIO'S WIFE ABOUT ME!?"  
  
"Why you. . ." Mimiru grabbed a tight hold on BT's hair. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD FUJIMOTO AKIRA'S GIRLFRIEND ABOUT ME!!" she screeched back.  
  
The blonde then stomped on the Heavy Blade's foot and screamed, "ONLY BECAUSE YOU KNEW RYUUTA SHINTO WAS REALLY A WOMAN, BUT DIDN'T TELL ME UNTIL AFTER-"She was suddenly shoved onto the ground.  
  
"NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STUPID WHINING!!" Mimiru yelled, saving the audience from some very unnecessary details.  
  
Growling, BT pulled Mimiru into a headlock, but Mimiru then bit the blonde's arm. . .  
  
Bear turned to Tsukasa. "Are you getting all this??"  
  
"Yep! =3" he said, taping it all on video.  
  
BT then did a body slam and hit Mimiru in the stomach with her elbow. However, the blonde suddenly found herself being flipped over, her hands being held behind her back. . .  
  
.::.:::FADE OUT:::.::.  
  
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%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES%!%-  
  
So, what'cha think? No wait, don't tell me- say it in a review! I was thinking of doing either a chatroom, Truth or Dare, or fairy tale parody fic next, but if you have any other ideas, I'd be glad to take it into consideration! I wouldn't mind doing another .hackSIGN&.hackINFECTION fic, but I also like writing with Fruits Basket, CardCaptor Sakura, and InuYasha characters. Well, 'till next time, ciao! =P 


	2. In The Case Of Random Game Characters

%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES-%!%  
  
Yes, that's right, I'm back!! Muahahahahahaha!! =D To tell you the truth, though, I was actually going to have this be a one-shot, but Luna talked me out of it and even inspired me for some parts of this chapter. (hug) Sankyuu, Luna =33!! Oh, and also, there will be guest stars, a new host (=333), and a lot more games than before this time! So let's begin now, shall we?  
  
WHOSE%!%LINE%!%WITH%!%THE%!%HACKERS! ChApTeR tWo!!  
  
---In ThE CaSe oF RaNDoM GaMe ChArAcTeRs---  
  
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Standing in the audience, Onigiri announces, "Hey, everyone! =33 Guess whaa-aaat. . . .I'm your new host!! =333"  
  
The audience's eyes grew wide. "We're screwed. . ."  
  
"Hehehehehe," Onigiri giggled, two little, red horns slowly beginning to grow atop her head. She then continued, "IIIIIIIIt's Whose Line! We've got a great show for you tonight with even more games, surprises, and, of course, HUMOR! But first. . . . It's the girl we all hate-"  
  
Subaru gasped in shock.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I read that wrong, silly me. . . It's the girl we all DESPISE, Subaru!"  
  
The blue-haired she-devil quietly began to growl.  
  
"Stop killing players or you're grounded, it's Sora!"  
  
"WheEeEeEeEeEe! XD" the Player Killer squealed.  
  
"He comes with your choice of hot sauce or extra spicy, it's Balmung!"  
  
The said man's eyes widened. ". . .??"  
  
"And I can't find "shirt" in the dictionary, it's Helba!"  
  
At that, Helba's face turned to ".".  
  
Onigiri then ran down from the bleachers and sat down at her desk. "Now then, let's get started with our first game-"She was suddenly interrupted by a huge "CRASH!!!!" from the ceiling.  
  
The audience, Subaru, Sora, Balmung, and Onigiri's eyes widened in surprise while Helba's expression stayed as ".". "Help! My face is stuck like this!" she cried. "I don't even know how I made my eyes pointy in the first place. . ."  
  
Then suddenly, Sora from Kingdom Hearts jumped down from the hole in the ceiling and started screaming, "Heartless!! HeArTlEsS!! HEARTLESS!!" Foam began to spew from his mouth. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" he cackled, jumping up and down on the Keyblade like a pogo stick.  
  
The audience, Subaru, Sora (the other one), Balmung, and Onigiri's eyes turned to question marks; Helba was still stuck in "." mode.  
  
KH Sora then saw Onigiri and ran after her with the Keyblade. "HeeeArRtLeSsSsSs!!!" But Riku jumped down from the hole and shouted, "SORA, NO!!"  
  
Seeing Riku's poofity pants, the audience, Subaru, Sora, Balmung, and Onigiri muttered, "Well, SOMEONE'S been sneaking a few French-fries when we weren't looking. . . ."  
  
". . . ."  
  
At Riku's words, KH Sora froze right in the middle of a Firaga spell aimed right at Onigiri, leaving the authoress-host to stand there with tears streaming down her eyes.  
  
Kairi now also jumped down from the hole and said, "Sora, she's not a Heartless!"  
  
"That's right," Onigiri confirmed. "I may BE heartless by I am definitely not A Heartless." An evil smirk came upon her lips.  
  
"Hey, where are we, anyway?" KH Sora asked.  
  
"Dunno," Riku replied.  
  
Kairi then explained, "We came looking for you when all of a sudden the ground caved in. . . ." She suddenly burst into tears. "OH, SORA, I WAS SO WORRIED!!" she cried, running over to him in her look-I'm-so-innocent way and taking his hands in her own. "I thought we'd never find you and you'd be gone forever!"  
  
". . . ." KH Sora stared into her eyes.  
  
". . . ." Kairi stared back into his eyes.  
  
". . . ." The two stared into each other's eyes, getting closer. . . .and closer. . . .and closer. . . .and closer until their noses were finally touching, and then. . . .  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Onigiri cried, whipping out her own MaGiCaL AuThOrEsS KeYbLaDe and whacking Kairi across her thick head.  
  
KH Sora's eyes widened while Kairi squeaked, "X.x Owie. . x.X"  
  
Onigiri raised her MaGiCaL AuThOrEsS KeYbLaDe in the air in victory. "EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED!!! MWAHAHAHAHEHEHAHAHOHOHEHAHO!!!!! =DDD"  
  
"Did they give you your medicine this morning?" Balmung asked the now crazed and power-hungry authoress-host.  
  
Onigiri rocked back and forth on her heels. "They forgoo-ooot! =333"  
  
"Um, shouldn't we be starting the show?" Subaru spoke up.  
  
"Go an' remind them we have a plot, will ya. . .? ."  
  
"THAT'S MY FACE, YOU STEALERER!!" Helba roared.  
  
"AHA! I tricked you!" Onigiri exclaimed. "Now you can't do it anymore. =33"  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Onigiri's eyes widened at the woman's fowl mouth. "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!"  
  
Helba blinked. "Um. . .dammit?"  
  
"Oh, that's what I thought you said. =P"  
  
"JUST GET ON WITH IT, ALREADY!!" the audience and "actors" screamed.  
  
"And we want to go back to our own world, too," Riku added.  
  
The authoress-host turned toward him. "Well, you can't. =3"  
  
"Why not?" KH Sora whined with tears in his eyes.  
  
"'Cause you guys are gonna help me out with hosting-the-show stuffs! =33"  
  
"Even ME??" Kairi asked.  
  
Onigiri smacked her forehead. "Oh, what was I thinking? Of course not!" She then pulled a secret lever, sending Kairi down into the FLaMiNG PiT oF DOOM.  
  
"You're evil. . . ;.;" KH Sora sniffled.  
  
"Who, me? =33" Onigiri asked, the little, red horns returning once again.  
  
"Um, but don't we already have the audience to help you out with hosting-the-show stuffs?" Sora suddenly said. But just a second after, the audience was sent into the FLaMiNG PiT oF DOOM as well.  
  
"What audience??" Onigiri asked innocently.  
  
"The audience you sent into the FLaMiNG PiT oF DOOM!" Mistral answered.  
  
"SHUT UP!!" the authoress-host commanded, sending Mistral into the FLaMiNG PiT oF DOOM with all the others. "Eheheheheh. . ." she then laughed nervously. "Um, let's start the first game now, shall we? And, Riku and Sora, you can't help me out with hosting-the-show stuffs until you come up here and sit on my lap! =333"  
  
The two bishies gulped, then cautiously walked over and sat on the girl's lap.  
  
"=33"  
  
"--.--"  
  
";.;"  
  
"Alllllrighty, then!" Onigiri began. "Our first game is-"She was interrupted once again by another huge "CRASH!!!!" and a second after, Link from The Legend of Zelda jumped down from a hole in the ceiling right beside the first one.  
  
"Ganondorf!! GaNoNdOrF!! GANONDORF!!" he growled, frothing at the mouth.  
  
Onigiri glared. "Not again. . ."  
  
"Um, why didn't you just use the hole I already made?" KH Sora asked the golden-haired Hylian.  
  
"Well, actually, I-"  
  
Just then, Wakka suddenly jumped down from the first hole with his hair a strange bright red, making him look a little too much like a certain big-nosed bad guy (haha, joke courtesy of White Phantom =P). . . "Hey, guys!" he exclaimed. "Check out my hair! I just dyed it red this morning!"  
  
"GANONDORF!!" Link screamed, the froth returning to his mouth. "DIEEEEEEE!!!!!" He began to run after Wakka with the Megaton Hammer.  
  
The Blitzball. . . -wielder guy's eyes widened and he jumped back up the hole.  
  
"Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! =D" Link cackled, going after him up the hole to the Kingdom Hearts world. His voice could then be heard as he searched around the strange, new place. "Woah. . . What's this huge three-headed cat thing??"  
  
"ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!" Cerberus growled mightily. And soon after. . .  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . .!!!!!"  
  
. . .Link's screaming could be heard trailing off into the distance.  
  
Onigiri, the "actors", Riku, and KH Sora's eyes were wide as they all stood there, speechless. Then, the authoress-host suddenly snapped out of it and quickly said, "Okaylet'sstartthegamebeforeanyoneelseshowsupanditis. . . . .Whose Line!! Yes, believe it or not, we actually have a game on the show called Whose Line. Now, here's how it works: two of the "actors" will act out a .hackSIGN scene I make up, but will slip quotes from inside these envelopes-"She holds up the said envelopes for everyone to see and admire in awe, wishing that they had envelopes as lovely and as white as those. "-into the conversation. Now, the scene will be. . . .when Mimiru confesses her undying love to Tsukasa! And this will be for. . . .Helba and Sora!! =3"  
  
"WheEeEeEeEeEe! XD" Sora gaily bounces up onto the stage. Helba simply glares, "hmph"s, and walks up onto the stage in her high-and-mighty-I'm-so-important-you-all-must-love-me-look-at-my-nearly-there-shirt-and-I-must-be-psychic-because-I-can-see-where-I'm-going-even-though-this-a-hundred-foot-tall-hat-covers-my-eyes way.  
  
Onigiri smiles her famous "=33" smile. "And begin!!"  
  
"So, Mimiru," Sora starts. "You said you wanted to talk about something?"  
  
"Well. . .I. . .uh. . ." Helba stutters. This causes the Player Killer to sigh.  
  
"I can tell you're nervous, so I should just tell you."  
  
Helba looked up at him. "And that is. . .?"  
  
"Look, I know why you brought me here," Sora said, causing the woman's eyes to widen slightly.  
  
"What??"  
  
"Yeah. . . um. . .Subaru already told me. . ."  
  
"Well. . .what exactly did she say?" Helba prodded.  
  
"Well, actually, she just pulled me over to the side. . . .looked me straight in the eye and said. . . . "Sora quickly took out a quote. "'Do you know the muffin man?' . . . .I'm still a bit confused about it even now."  
  
Helba was now looking at the ground trying not to laugh. "What did you say to her?" she asked.  
  
"Why, I said what any other man would say. . . ." The Player Killer pulled out another quote. "'What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?'"  
  
Helba then looked up at him. "That's nice to know."  
  
Sora frowned. "Wait. Was that a hint of sarcasm I heard in your voice?" he asked.  
  
"W-Well, it's just, you see. . ."  
  
"No, I don't see," he continued. "I mean, what's wrong with saying. . .that? What would YOU have said if you were in my position??"  
  
Helba pulled out a quote and answered, "'More Ovaltine shakes, please.'"  
  
"You know," Sora said. "Maybe we should just forget what he said or she said and start this conversation over anew."  
  
"Right. Start anew. Well, then, Tsukasa, I have something I need to tell you. . ."  
  
"Yes, Mimiru?"  
  
The woman pulled out another quote and looked up at Sora with loving eyes. "'In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you.'"  
  
"Oh, Mimiru. . ." Sora threw his arms open and cheesily ran over to Helba in ssslowwwww moootiiiiion.  
  
"Oh, Tsukasa. . ." Helba threw her arms open, as well, and cheesily ran over to Sora in ssslowwwww moootiiiiion.  
  
BUZZ! BUZZ!  
  
Onigiri smiled. "A thousand points to both of you for slow motion-ness."  
  
Sora and Helba smiled back.  
  
"And I give a hundred points to Balmung for rubbing his leg up and down Subaru's the whole time without anyone noticing!" Riku chirped in with a smile even bigger than the other three's.  
  
Subaru's eyes widened.  
  
"Okaaaaaaay," Onigiri cut in. "Moving on. . . ." She was suddenly interrupted by an earth-shaking "RRRRRUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLEEEEE!!".  
  
"EEK!! AN EARTHQUAKE!!" Subaru squeaked, and clung on to Balmung.  
  
Balmung gave a naughty smile and began to pat Subaru's shoulder to comfort her, but then slowly moved his hand downward until he was now groping her.  
  
Subaru's eyes widened as her face turned bright red. "0.0 Umm. . ."  
  
"Something's appearing!!" Helba shouted, and pointed toward a floating blob of darkness that ever-so-slowly formed into Darkside Heartless.  
  
"See!?" KH Sora exclaimed. "I told you there were Heartless here, but would you listen? Noooooo. And now look what's happened!"  
  
"Well, what should we do, genius!?" Onigiri asked him.  
  
Riku then whipped out his wooden sword, made from 100% virtual palm wood. Buy it at your local video game store today! "Don't worry, I'll go after it!" Slow motion now takes place as Riku slowwwwwly jumps up into the air toward Darkside Heartless and yells in a low, slow motion voice, "HEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
"RIIIIIIIIIIKUUUUUUUUUU!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" KH Sora also yells in a low, slow motion voice, reaching a hand out toward the lavender-haired bishie.  
  
"YYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!" Riku slowwwwwly swipes Darkside Heartless with his wooden sword. . . .and doesn't even make a mark.  
  
"OWWWWWIIIEEEEEEEEE!!! ;.;" Darkside Heartless slowwwwwly turns around and runs away, crying. "WWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! MOOOOOMMYYYYYY!!!!!" he sobs, runs right through the hard, brick wall o.0. Slow motion-ness now ends.  
  
Onigiri's eyes have now become tiny dots. "Well. . . . That was. . . .interesting. . . . And seems we've run out of time as well. ;.;"  
  
"Yay! We can go home now!! =D" KH Sora and Riku cheer.  
  
"Hohohohoho! Why, of course not, my pretties!" Onigiri laughs. "I'm gonna keep you as souvenirs!! =33"  
  
The two bishies then fall to their knees. "WHYYYYYYYYYY??"  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! =333" Onigiri's evil laugh echoes throughout the room.  
  
.::.:::FADE OUT:::.::.  
  
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-%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES-%!%  
  
Thanks so much to all who reviewed! I'm sorry I didn't use people's ideas for this chapter, but I had already planned out most of what was going to happen before I got the rest of the reviews. However, I'll have Furuba characters pop in next time. And now I command you to REVIEW!! =33 'Til next time! 


	3. Whose Line? Fruits Line!

I'd just like to thank Fuzzyhead for having a really cool name and also for reading this new and completely-following-the-rules version of Whose Line With the Hackers!! It took me for-ev-er to re-write this fic, so you BETTER enjoy it! =P  
  
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%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES-%!%  
  
'Ello once again! Thank you all so much for reviewing! I hope you like this chapter as well! And to Kyone: I'm sorry if you don't like the guest-stars, but after this chapter I don't think I'll be having anymore anyway. I've got a scrumptious idea in mind. =3 (munch, munch) Well, I really have nothing else to say, so let's get on with it! And this time the actors are all from .hackLIMINALITY! Enjoyith! =)  
  
Di chi Linea Con i Hackers!  
  
(that's Whose Line With the Hackers! for those who are Italian-challenged)  
  
Capitolo Tre: Di chi Linea? Linea Delle Frutte!  
  
(Chapter Three: Whose Line? Fruits Line!)  
  
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Standing in the audience, Krim (I spell it with a K, but it can also be spelled with a C, too) smiles. "'Ello, everyone! I be your new host, so. . . .wazzup!?"  
  
. . . . .  
  
Silence, for, sadly, there is no more audience. ;.;  
  
"Hmmm, it seems we need a new audience. . . . This is a perfect time to bring out our guest stars!!"  
  
The Smiling Backstage Dude then wheels out the cast of Fruits Basket (Tohru, Yuki, Shigure, Kyo, Momiji, Hatori, Hatsuharu, Ritsu, Akito, Kagura, Kisa, Hiro, Saki, Arisa) who are gagged and tied to a secretary chair.  
  
Ritsu said through his gag, "I'm sorry for talking through my gag and ruining its soul purpose of existence! ;.;"  
  
The Smiling Backstage Dude untied and ungagged the cast, then returned to his backstage home.  
  
Tohru looked at the set in awe. "Wow desu! It's so strange and 3-D desu!"  
  
"There's two giant holes in the ceiling. . . ." Kyo mumbled.  
  
Yuki glared at the red-head. "-.- . . .Stupid cat."  
  
"Damn rat!!!"  
  
"I'M SORRY!!!!! ;.;" Ritsu squeaked.  
  
"T.T Strange. . ."  
  
Arisa turned toward the freaky-always-zoned-out-and-totally-cool-Gothic-denpa who those OTHER people call "Saki". "Hm? Vibes again, huh? What are you feeling this time?"  
  
The freaky-always-zoned-out-and-totally-cool-Gothic-denpa who those OTHER people call "Saki" looked around the place in suspicion. "T.T A dark, foreboding force will soon bring doom upon us all. . . ."  
  
Just then, Onigiri suddenly appeared. "Did someone call me?? =33"  
  
". . . .It's as if I've mentally drawn the Grim Reaper from a stack of Taro Cards. . ." the freaky-always-zoned-out-and-totally-cool-Gothic-denpa who those OTHER people call "Saki" finished.  
  
Onigiri smiled. "Yep! That'd be moi! =33"  
  
"And who are you. . .exactally?" Yuki asked carefully.  
  
The riceball-named girl put a hand onto her chest and said, "Why, I'm the LOVELY and BEAUTIFUL and OH-SO-TALENTED authoress of this WONDERFUL fic! =333"  
  
"So in other words, you're a Mary-Sue," Ritsu piped in.  
  
Eyes nearly popping out of her head, Onigiri gasped in shock. "NOOO!!" she screamed. "DON'T EVEN SAY SUCH A HORRIBLE WORD!!!" She then clapped her hands over her ears and screamed even louder, "LALALALALALALA, I'M NOT LISTENING!!!"  
  
"Sorry. ;.;"  
  
"Besides. . ." Onigiri continued. "Mary-Sues come in NEXT chapter."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!/AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DESU!!! GET US OUTTTA HERE!!!/GET US OUTTA HERE DESU!!!"  
  
Suddenly, Spoiler-chan appeared. "Heyyy! That's my job!!" she yelled at Onigiri.  
  
Kisa's eyes widened. "Wh-Who is that!?"  
  
"No one I can't handle! =33" the riceball-named authoress announced, and pulled the lever, sending Spoiler-chan into the FLaMiNG PiT oF DOOM.  
  
"WaAaAaAaAaAaAaH!!! ." the said Spoiler-chan screamed, swirling down into oblivion.  
  
Onigiri gave a wickedly evil smile. "I never get tired of doing that! =333"  
  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
. . . . .Awkward Silence. . . . .  
  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Krim coughed.  
  
"OH!" Onigiri exclaimed. "Sorry, guys- I gotta go actually start the fic. See ya!!" She then disappeared.  
  
The FB Cast sat down on the bleachers.  
  
"Okay!" Krim announced. "Welcome to Whose Line, everyone! We've got a great show for you tonight, but first. . . . Say "ahhhh", it's Mai!"  
  
Mai clapped her hands over her ears in agony. "THE SOUND! MY EARS! IT BURRRRRRRNS!! ."  
  
Akito leaned towards Shigure and whispered, "How can she be scared of a simple noise?"  
  
"Mary-Sue."  
  
The Sohma Head cringed and Shigure smirked.  
  
Krim then continued, "S. I. E. G., it's Kasumi!"  
  
Kasumi made a face. "Um, that wasn't even funny. . . ."  
  
"An anime-version of Harry Potter, it's Makino!"  
  
"o.0"  
  
"And "For real!?", it's Junichiro!"  
  
"I'm on TV?? For real!? =D"  
  
Krim then sat down at his desk. "It's Whose Line, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter! Yep, that's right, the points don't matter! Just like that thing they call a "plot"!"  
  
The FB Cast (who will now be known as ""Audience"") all arched an eyebrow. "Um. . .haha. . ./Um desu. . .haha desu?"  
  
"-.- Okay, well, while the audience develops a sense of humor, let's start the first game, Scenes From a Hat!"  
  
Onigiri then appeared again and screamed, "WHAT!? No way, we already used that game in the first chapter!!"  
  
"SO!!? =)"  
  
"So the readers will get bored and stop reading!!"  
  
"Who cares about the damn readers!!? Muahahahahahahahahaha!!! =D" Krim cackled insanely.  
  
The "Actors", "Audience", and Onigiri's eyes nearly popped out of their heads. "HUGE GASP!!!"  
  
"Wait!" Krim exclaimed. "I didn't say that!?"  
  
Sanosuke from Rurouni Kenshin suddenly came running out from backstage, laughing evilly. "I DID!!" he cackled. "Muahahahahaha!! =D"  
  
Krim's eyes widened and he pointed at Sano accusingly. "HEY!! YOU STOLE MY VOICE!!" he yelled.  
  
"Wheee! I feel pretty! =333" Hatsuharu suddenly squealed.  
  
Everyone's face except Haru's was exactly the same: o.0!!?  
  
"That wasn't me either!!" the cow-possessed bish exclaimed.  
  
Yusuke from Yuu Yuu Hakusho then came stumbling out from backstage, drunk. "Wheeeeeee!" He then began to sing: "Well, I've been workin' on the railroad all the livelong daaayyyyy! And little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet and frightened the porridge awaaayyyyy!"  
  
Now everyone's face except YUSUKE'S was the same: o.0!!? and Haru screamed in fright, "O.O That's what I sound like when I'm drunk??"  
  
Suddenly, Megumi and Keiko came running out from backstage in silky and very SKIMPY nightgowns. "Sano/Yusuke, are you coming back yet??" they pleaded.  
  
"AAAAAOOOOOOOOOH!!!" Sanosuke howled like a wold. "Pant, pant, pant."  
  
Megumi, with a naughty smile, pulled the tori-atama backstage with her by the collar of his shirt.  
  
In a sing-song voiced, Keiko called, "Oh, Yuuuusukeeee!"  
  
"Wow!" the spirit detective exclaimed. "When I'm drunk it really DOES look like you have a chest!"  
  
Keiko gave the boy a death glare. "Grrrrr. . ." She then smacked Yusuke upside the head and dragged him backstage with her.  
  
". Wheee. . ."  
  
Onigiri just stood there for a second and blinked. "Um, okaaaaay. I'll just be going now. . ." And with that, the riceball-named girl disappeared.  
  
"Yeeeeeaaaaah," Krim said, and mentally cursed himself for giving in to the authoress's I-ll-give-you-a-cookie-for-your-free-will tricks. "Okay," he continued. "The REAL first game today will be. . . .Questions Only!"  
  
The "audience" stared at him with blank faces. "Um. . .what's that. . .?/Um desu. . .what's that desu. . .?"  
  
"I was ABOUT to explain it if you would just hold your damn horses!" Krim yelled.  
  
"0.0!!" Tohru, Yuki, Shigure, Kyo, Momij, Hatori, Ritsu, Akito, Kagura, Kisa, Hiro, Saki, and Arisa quickly clung onto Hatsuharu.  
  
Krim looked at them all with eyes turned to question marks: ?.?  
  
"Well, he's the closet thing to a horse we've got!" Kagura explained.  
  
Krim sighed. "Annnnnyway, here's how the game works: The "actors" will have to act out a scene I have written down on this nifty 'lil card, but can talk in QUESTIONS ONLY. And the scene will be. . . ." He read the nifty 'lil card. "Trying to microwave a bag of popcorn just right! This will be for Mai and Makino first, so Kasumi and Junichiro will stand until one of them messes up!"  
  
The "actors" then took their places on the stage.  
  
"Annnnnd begin!"  
  
"So did you make the popcorn yet??" Mai asked.  
  
"Can't you hear the "ahhhh" sound coming from the microwave?" Makino replied.  
  
"THE NOISE!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! ."  
  
Krim buzzed Mai out.  
  
Makino made a face: o.0  
  
Kasumi suddenly jumped in, pointed at the boy accusingly, and exclaimed, "HAH! THAT WASN'T A QUESTION!!"  
  
Makino pointed back. "NEITHER WAS THAT!"  
  
"FOUR-EYES!!"  
  
"TWO-EYES!!"  
  
"o.0"  
  
"--.--" Krim buzzed them both out.  
  
Mai and Junichiro then both jumped in.  
  
"How long should I cook the popcorn for?" Junichiro asked.  
  
"What do YOU think?" Mai replied.  
  
"How would you feel if I told you I was thinking of all the "fun things" we could do after eating this popcorn?"  
  
"Are you a pedophile??"  
  
"Would you like to make me one? =)" the man asked with an evil smile.  
  
"How can you talk like that?"  
  
"What do YOU think?" he replied.  
  
"Don't you already know how I feel about you?"  
  
"Why don't you tell me again while you're naked? =)"  
  
Mai glared. "How about not?"  
  
Junichiro sniffled. "Why do you have to be so mean?? ;.;"  
  
"Why do YOU have to be so perverted?" the girl growled back.  
  
"Don't you know it's in my nature?"  
  
Mai's eyes suddenly widened. "Did you know you're burning the popcorn!? O.O"  
  
"Who cares?"  
  
"Don't you know that's the whole point of the game?"  
  
"Why do you keep answering my questions with questions?"  
  
"Because it's- Dammit. --.--"  
  
Krim buzzed Mai out.  
  
Kasumi jumped in to take her place. "Can I ask you a question?" he asked.  
  
"Isn't that what we've been doing the whole time?" Junichiro replied.  
  
"Can't you just let me ask my question?"  
  
"What stopping you?"  
  
"Is that popcorn?"  
  
"What if it is?"  
  
The boy squinted his eyes. "Is it. . .burning?"  
  
"Is that a problem for you?"  
  
"Are you cooking this popcorn for Mai?" Kasumi pried.  
  
"Why would you care?" Junichiro asked.  
  
Kasumi now put his hands on his hips. "Don't you know she's my girlfriend?"  
  
The man gave a naughty smile. "Yes and she's got one hell of a rack by the way. =)"  
  
"YOU BASTARD!!" Kasumi got ready to punch Junichiro in the face. Krim's eyes widened.  
  
BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!!  
  
The "actors" took their seats.  
  
Tohru, Yuki, Kyo, Momiji, Hatori, Hatsuharu, Ritsu, Akito, Kagura, Kisa, Hiro, Saki, and Arisa all made a "o.0" face. ". . .?"  
  
"=33" Shigure clapped.  
  
This caused the others' face to turn to "o.0!!?".  
  
"Okaaay," Krim said. "Two thousand points to Junichiro for taking "sexual harassment" to a whole new level and. . .eh, a hundred points to the rest o' ya."  
  
Junichiro smiled while the others "."-ed.  
  
Krim then announced, "We'll be right back after this commercial break, so stay tuned!"  
  
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Monsier suddenly pops up. "Hey there! Did you drop this Golden Axe? Or maybe it was this Silver one?"  
  
Grandpa pops up right beside him. "No!? It's something else? Well, whatever weapon or armor you have lost, Spring of Myst Lost&Found Inc. will find it and return it back to you better and stronger than before!"  
  
"Just call 1-800-BLU-BLOB and our excellent search team will start looking immediately-" Monsier was cut off by KH Sora running in, mouth foaming while holding the Keyblade high above his head.  
  
"HEARTLESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! ." The little mental patient began to run after the two blobs.  
  
"O.O!!!" The two blobs ran for their lives.  
  
Announcer Dude's voice boomed over the screaming and insane cackling: "Wearenotresponsibleifyourobjectistentimesweakerthanbefore,self-destructs,orattractsrabidchipmunks.Allquestionsand/orconcernsmustgotoallofthoseimportantpeoplewhoarealwayscoincidentallyoutgolphingoratalunchbreakwhenyoucallandthesamestupidbastardswhowon'teverpromotemefromthislamejobwhereallIhavetodoistalkfastaboutabsolutelynothingandpeoplecan'tunderstandmeanyway.Socall1-800-BLU-BLOB.That's1-800-258-2562.Onceagainthat's1-800-BLU-BLOB.1-800-BLU-BLOB.1-800-BLU-BLOB.1-800-258-2562.1-800-BLU-BLOB.Ihopeyou'rewritingthisdownbecauseI'monlygoingtosayfiftymoretimesthatit's1-800-BLU-BLOB.1-800-BLU-BLOB.1-800-258-2562.1-800-BLU-BLOB."  
  
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"Aaaaand, we're back!" Krim exclaimed. "Now it's time for the second game of today's show, Greatest Hits!"  
  
The "audience" stared at him again. "What's THAT?/What's THAT desu?"  
  
Krim glared and continued, "Here's how it works: Mai and Makino will be two announcers on an infomercial trying to get you to buy their Greatest Hits album and Kasumi and Junichiro will sing little bits of the songs."  
  
Junichiro's expression: o.0!!?  
  
Kasumi's expression: DAETH GLARE.  
  
"Audience, give me a major tragedy the album could be about."  
  
"Loosing your girlfriend to an old, perverted man," Kyo said, smirking at Kasumi. The said boy's DEATH GLARE then turned to the redhead.  
  
"Okay, loosing your girlfriend to an old, perverted man it is!" Krim announced. "Well, actors, take your places on the stage and we'll begin!"  
  
Mai and Makino bring over two chairs and sit down; Kasumi and Junichiro stand beside each other a few feet away from Mai and Makino.  
  
"You may begin! =3"  
  
Mai smiles. "We'll be right back to The Grunty Who Could in just a minute. But first. . ."  
  
"We've got a GREAT offer for you, folks!" Makino exclaims.  
  
"That's right!" the girl agrees. "For just 19.99 and a few hundred dollars more we'll give to you this special 50th anniversary edition album of the greatest losing your girlfriend to an old, perverted man songs you'll EVER hear by artists who. . .who. . ."  
  
"Had nothing better to do! =)"  
  
"Right. Had nothing better to do. =)"  
  
Makino then suddenly turns to Mai. "You know, Mai, one of my favorite songs of all time is right here on this set."  
  
Mai's eyes widened in mock surprise. "Really, Makino??"  
  
"Why, yes! And that song just happens to be that great hit by Michael Jackson. . ."  
  
Kasumi's eyes widened and Junichiro pushed the boy to the right, so he would have to go first.  
  
". . . .um. . . .An Old, Perverted Man Stole My Girlfriend!" Makino finished.  
  
Krim sweatdropped. "How original. . ."  
  
Mistral Reincarnation than began Michael Jackson-like music. . .whatever that is. . .  
  
Just then, Kasumi noticed he was first and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head: O.O!!?  
  
Mistral Reincarnation gave him an annoyed look that said, "Hurry up already, dammit!".  
  
So Kasumi began to sing as a very poor excuse for Michael Jackson:  
  
"Well, the other day  
  
This creep took my darling Mai away.  
  
I think they called him Junichiro.  
  
What a stupid name, oh yeah!"  
  
Junichiro glared while the boy continued:  
  
"I was just about to bring out the champagne  
  
When just like that he swept my sweet girlfriend away, yeah.  
  
Just like that! (snaps)  
  
Ohhhhh, just like that! (snaps again)"  
  
Junichiro is now about to burst out laughing.  
  
Kasumi now attempts to do the moon walk, but trips and accidentally kicks Junichiro in the back of the ankle which sends him flying across the room and head-first into Mai's chest.  
  
Junichiro, in a muffled voice while pushing his face further into Mai's cushiony mounds, sings:  
  
"I'm the old perv whole stole Kasumi's girlfriend  
  
And we lived hentai-ly every after, yay!"  
  
Mai is shrieking while struggling to get free and Kasumi's eyes become ten times bigger than his head, his jaw dropping to the floor.  
  
Krim then says hastily, "Um, okay, that's enough of that! Um, a thousand points to, um, whatever! Actors, please take your seats!"  
  
The "actors" sit back down, Junichiro giving Kasumi and evil smile and Kasumi giving Junichiro a SUPREME DEATH GLARE!!! in return. The old man's eyes then become five times smaller. "Meep! o.o"  
  
"Stay tuned to find out who the winner is after this important message!"  
  
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Helba is importantly sitting at her desk yet again with a picture of Brittany Spears in the box at the top, right-hand corner of the screen. "Blonde pop-star sluts who marry men that had two kids with one of his girlfriends he left three weeks ago, four with a woman he used to be married to in December, one with his former boss, two with his Aunt Peggy, one with his golden retriever, five with his doctor. . .or was that his therapist? No wait, it was his dentist because he had NINE with his therapist. Wait two times four. . .no, it'd be five times six. . .OH, SCREW IT! It's tonight at eleven!!"  
  
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Krim puts on a huge smile and exclaims, "Okay, we're back, everybody and it's time to find out WHO TODAY'S WINNER IS!!"  
  
". . . ." The "audience" blinks.  
  
Krim glares. "Annnyway, today's winner is. . . ."  
  
Onigiri suddenly appears and glomps the man's unnaturally spiky head. "WAIIIIIII!!!! =33333"  
  
Krim's glare intensifies. "What now?"  
  
"I'm just so happy 'cause this the first time we've given the actors points AND had time to pick a winner!! =33" the riceball-named authoress squealed.  
  
"--.-- Yippee."  
  
"Well, go on! Tell 'em who won!! =33" the girl prodded.  
  
"Fine. Today's winner is. . . ." He is interrupted by a huge CRASH!!! followed by the whole ceiling caving in.  
  
Darkside Heartless then falls from the sky (AKA where the ceiling once was) and lands on his large buttocks. "Um. . .is this a bad time??" He smiles sheepishly.  
  
Crimson (Crimson-Eyed-Angel99 (by the way, I hope it's okay that I used you in my fic)) suddenly comes running after Darkside Heartless while hitting various buttons on her controller which is still connected to her PS2, which is still connected to her TV, which is still connected to a large chunk of her wall all dragging behind her, cackling, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! DIE, DIE, DIEEEEE!! ."  
  
Darkside Heartless's eyes widen. "Meep! She's back again!" He then runs somewhere backstage.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'LL GET YOU THIS TIME FOR SURE!!" Crimson screams, running after him.  
  
Onigiri, Krim, the "actors", and the "audience" all make a face: o.0!!?  
  
"Arrrgh! Just get on with it already!!" Onigiri growled.  
  
"Okay, sheesh!" Krim growls back. "Today's winner is. . . ."  
  
Just then, Spoiler-chan suddenly bursts out from the floor and raises a huge sword menacingly above her head. "AHAHAHAHA!! I'VE GOT YOU KNOW, YOU STUPID AUTHORESS!!" She slashes the sword aimed for Onigiri's head, but she jumps away and disappears, so Spoiler-chan accidentally decapitates Krim instead!  
  
"X.x . . .Ow."  
  
A Wild Mob Angry Krim Fangirls or Angry Mob of Wild Krim Fangirls then come running after Spoiler-chan with their deadly fangs and claws. "YOU HURT OUR KRIMMY-KUN, YOU EVIL WITCH!! DIEEEEE!!!!!"  
  
"O.O!!!" Spiler-chan runs for her not-so-dear life and the Wild Mob of Angry Krim Fangirls or Angry Mob of Wild Krim Fangirls chases after her about the room.  
  
Momiji, Hatori, Kagura, and Hiro then suddenly get right up in Onigiri's face. "Hey! How's come WE never got any lines in this fic??"  
  
"Well, ya just did, so there!" Onigri sticks her tongue out at them.  
  
"."  
  
"Mou. I guess we're outta time. . ." the riceball-named girl sighed. And we never even got to find out who the winner is! Let's all have a moment of silence to-"  
  
"THE SHOWS DONE!? WE CAN GO HOME NOW!! YEEEAAAAAAAHHH!! =DDDDD" the FB Cast cheers.  
  
". Fine. . ." Onigiri snaps her fingers twice and the FB Cast suddenly disappears. "Well. . .see ya next time folks!"  
  
.::.::FADE OUT::.::.  
  
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%!%-ONIGIRI-%!%-NOTES-%!%  
  
OH! I just realized that I didn't have a disclaimer for last chapter and still need it for this one, so. . . .I don't own Kingdom Hearts, The Legend of Zelda, Ovaltine, Fruits Basket, .hackLIMINALITY, Playstation2, or Crimson-Eyed-Angel99!! She owns herself (hopefully). Well, I hope you all enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I did writing it, and remember: NEVER eat two huge pieces of caramel cake then glug down a can of Strawberry Kiwi Diet Rite 8:00 in the morning or this will be your result (points to self)! Oh and about doing a chatroom fic, I'll keep it in mind, but it probably won't come until after I finish this one (which will probably be after a few more chapters). Like I said before, I've got a SCUMPTIOUS idea!  
  
[-Instead of having reviewers be guest-hosts, I'll use characters from different anime. Now you can't say it's interactive. HA! In your face.-]  
  
Anyway, review, review, REVIEW! =33 


	4. Battle Of The Sues

**REVIEWERRESPONSE**

_Haunt-san _Shanks, my fellow hyper authoress! This chapter was already written, so sorry that I couldn't use your ideas. ( But don't worry! There's ALWAYS room for a Kikyo-torture/death SOMEWHERE! I'll be sure to fit it in in a future chapter to come. ;D

Sui-san The BEST fic you ever read?? Geez, thanks so much!! DDDDD Hope this chapter is as good as the rest. 3 

_Pupp-san _MAN! ANOTHER GOOD IDEA!! I'm starting to wish I hadn't done that plot twist so soon. . . . Oh wells. Thanks for the review! )

_Jose-san _Err, is that a good "0.0" or a bad "0.0"?? XD

**THANKSFORREVIEWIN'YA'LL**

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!-ONIGIRI-!-NOTES-!

Konnichi wa!! 333 Here's to a special birthday edition of Whose Line With the Hackers!! Yep, that's right, it's muh birfday!!!!! . . .Well, ACTUALLY it was Sunday, but it's still the same week, so it's all the same. . . I do not own Project dot Hack, Whose Line is it Anyway, Toboe, the words kyewl and sweetle (they are copyright by White Phantom and my friend Heidi. I'm just borrowing them 'cause it sounds like something Mimiru would say), Teletubbies (thank god), Mary-Sues (THANK GOD!!), the Twilight Blade, Brittany Spears (shudders), Ronald McDonald or even McDonald's itself. Now let's GeT StArTeD! D

WhosE LinE With thE HackErs --- SPEACIAL YoUrs TruLy's BirthDay EDITION!!

Chapter FOUR --- Battle of the Sues

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Standing in the audience, Toboe smiles. "Hey, everyone! It's Whose Line! We've got a great show for you tonight, but first. . . . It's a ludicrous world after all, it's Tsukasa!"

"o.0"

"She's got a really big ass- uh I mean AXE, it's Subaru!" The redhead sweatdrops and Subaru's eyes become wide in shock.

"Eheheh. . ." Toboe swallows nervously. "Uh, he just got back from the "bathroom" with Elk, it's Kite!"

Kite's eyes become wide as well, his face turning bright red.

"Hey I'm just readin' what the cards say. . . And uh. . .it's. . .Elk."

". . .?"

"Elkie-kun's so kawaii, I could never make fun of him!" Onigiri exclaims and huggles the said wave master.

"33 Yay!" Elk cheers.

"Yeeaaahhhh. . ." Toboe sits down at his desk. "Anywho, welcome to Whose Line where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't matter. Just like whether or not a reported story is really an MST! FF .Net deletes it anyway!"

Random Voices From Nowhere suddenly boomed out, "Oooooh. That was cowwwwwld."

Toboe's eyes widened. "o.0 Where'd those voices come from??"

"I'm sorry!!" Onigiri apologized. "I just had to say that because FanFiction .Net is really making me mad right now!!"She waved her hands frantically in front of her face and disappeared.

"o.0 Um. . .I still want to know where those voices came from, so I can stop making this face. . ." Toboe spoke up.

Tsukasa explained to the other "actors", "Onigiri-sama's just so pissed off 'cause it's her time of the month."

"Woah," Kite said. "WAYYY too much information there, little wave master. . . . "

"Wait," Subaru suddenly cut in. "Since when do you call her Onigiri-sama?"

"Since she beat me. ;.;"

The other three's eyes grew wide.

"Why won't anyone listen to me. . .? ;.;" Toboe whined.

"And who are you. . .exactly?" Tsukasa asked.

The redhead grinned. "I be your guest-host! D The name's Toboe from Wolf's Rain, but the authoress wouldn't just say that in the beginning 'cause she's a lazy, old hag! P"

"You're new here, aren't you. . .?" Kite asked their new host slowly.

"Yeah. . . Why??"

"You shouldn't say things like that about the authoress. . ." Elk explained.

"Now something bad will happen. . ." Subaru added grimly.

"-.- Whatever," Toboe said. "I just want someone to tell me where those damn voices came from!"

(GASP!) Suabru's eyes suddenly widened. "You cussed!"

"Uhhh. . . !?"

"The host is never allowed to cuss. It's against "her" rules," Kite explained.

"Uh- Uh- Well I'm a GUEST-host, so it's different, right!?" Toboe exclaimed, starting to freak out.

". . ." The "actors" were silent.

"RIGHT!?"

". . . . ."

"B-But YOU cussed when you were host!!" the redhead yelled, pointing at Kite accusingly.

The Twin Blade's eyes widened: O.O!! "Great job, genius!" he yelled back. "Why'd you go 'n say that!? Now she's gonna-"He suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"U-U-Uh let's just start the show," Toboe stuttered nervously. "The first game is-"

"But we can't start any game unless we have four actors and an audience!" Subaru interrupted.

"Oh, uh, well Mimiru's backstage, right?"

The three "actors" nodded.

"Then, uh g-get her out here to take K-Kite's place."

At that moment, the said Heavy Blade suddenly comes bouncing onto the stage. "Hiya, peoples! )" She then sits down and notices Toboe. "Hey, who's that sweaty dude over there??"

Toboe sweatdrops.

"That's Toboe. He's our guest-host!" Subaru said.

"Oh. Hiya, To-san!! D" Mimiru waves frantically.

"H-Hi. . ."

"So, uh, aren't we gonna start the show?"

"We still need an audience. . . . " Elk muttered.

"Oh!" Mimiru exclaimed. "What a quinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinkyquinky. . ."

.::.::THREE YEARS LATER::.::.

Toboe, Tsukasa, Subaru, and Elk stared at the girl wait a "T.T" face.

"Is Onigiri running out of ideas for the fic or what?" At that comment, Elk disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Suabru lowered her head. "We knew him well. . ."

". . .quinkydink!" Mimiru finished. "I just met these kyewl people backstage that would make a sweetle audience!"

"T.T Well that's great," Toboe said. "But now we need another person to replace Elk."

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee! XD" Sora suddenly jumps down from outta nowhere and lands perfectly in Elk's chair.

"Okayyy, well, let's bring out that audience, then."

Thousands of slender girls with silky, golden hair cascading perfectly down their shoulders and reaching to the middle of their backs and eyes the most wondrous shade of blue gracefully walk out from backstage and softly sit down on the bleachers, crossing their long, neatly-shaved legs. Their smooth skin is a beautiful milky white and there is not one zit, bruise, or even freckle to be found anywhere. Toboe and the "actors" are about to gag.

"There's something about those girls. . ." Toboe murmured to himself. "Uh, let's begin! The first game is. . .Let's Make a Date! Now, here's how we play. Tsukasa will be a bachelor on a dating game show and Subaru, Mimiru, and Sora will be the three bachlorettes with. . .UNIQUE personality quirks."

The audience quietly laughs with a voice so sweet it sounds like a thousand violins (one for every girl P).

"o.0 Yeah. . ." Toboe continues. "And then Tsukasa must figure out what each bachelorette is. So come get your envelopes, take a seat, and we'll start the game! )"

The "actors" do so and Toboe then presses the buzzer to begin the game.

"So, Bachelorette Number One," Tsukasa began. "What do YOU think is your best quality?"

Subaru flips her hair over her shoulder, crosses her legs, and says, "Why, everything about me is just absolutely perfect, I find it quite hard to pick just one thing. My nails are perfectly manicured, my skin is flawless, the list goes on and on. . . Even my name is the best of them all!"

The audience twitches.

"Hmph, this one's gonna be easy. . ." Tsukasa mumbles. "Uh, Bachelorette Number Two. What do you usually do on a Friday night?"

"WHEEEEEEEEEE!!" Mimiru spins around in her chair. "I-I-I-I'd e-eat some-so-so-so-some-some. . . . .SWEET SUGARRRRR!!" She then bounces off the chair, holds her arms out as if she's flying, and runs about the room. "WANNNNN!! WANNNNN!! WANNNNNNNNNN!! (- that's supposed to be airplane sounds just so you know P) WHOOOOOOOOOO!!" She spins around really fast then falls onto the ground. ". Yeah-Yeah-Yeaaaahhhhhh. . ."

"o.0 Uhhh. . . Bachelorette Number Three," Toboe cotinued. "What type of sports do you enjoy?"

With a big, goofy smile, Sora said, "Well that'd be any sports YOU like, sweetie, 'cause I lurrrve to see you smile. D"

"??.??"

"Okay, Tsukasa, it's time to guess who each bachelorette is!" Toboe exclaimed. "Let's start with Sora."

"Uhhhhh, a teletubby??"

"Awww, I'm sorry, Tsukasa, but he was really Ronald McDonald." Toboe pretends to sympathize. "1,000 points fer Sora."

"Wheee! D"

"Can you guess who Mimiru is??" Toboe asked.

"Hahaha! I know this one for SURE!" Tsukasa laughed. "She's a TELETUBBY!! Hahaha, so easy. . ."

"Uhh, no, I'm sorry, that's still wrong. -.-"

"o.0???"

"1,000 points teh Mimiru!" the redhead exclaimed.

Tsukasa sniffled. ";.; She wasn't a teletubby. . .?"

"Nope! I was SORA!!" the brunetter shouted. "Hehehehehehehehehe. 333"

"She scares me. . ." Tsukasa muttered.

"O.O!!?" Sora suddenly jumps to his feet. "WHAT THE censored!!? I do NOT cesoreding act like that, you censored censored!! censored censored the censored and censored censored censored censored-"

WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY WILL BE TAKEN OFF THE AIR MOMENTARILY.

WHILE YOU WAIT, PLEASE ENJOY THESE G-RATED, KID-FRIENDLY COMMERCIALS.

THANK YOU. :)

It's LESBIANS ON TAPE!! UN-CUT, UN-CENSORED, AND TOTALLY WILD!! Buy it for only $20.49 in the next ten minutes and you'll also get this exclusive Moans and Groans Compact Disc absolutely FREE!! Don't miss this once-in-a-life-time-chance to see hot, sexy girls making-out, taking it off, and getting DOWN AND DIR-

UH, WE HAVE JUST DECIDED THAT IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A LOT SAFER TO WATCH WHOSE LINE INSTEAD!

SO ENJOY!

Scarred for life by the commercial, Toboe, Tsukasa, Subaru, and Mimiru sat silently with wide eyes. "O.O . . ."

"Awww," Sora whined. "I wanted to see the lesbians. . . ;.;"

The four's eyes grew even wider.

Toboe then sweatdropped. "Uhh, heheh, let's just continue where we left off. . . So far Sora and Mimiru both have 1,000 points and Subaru and Tsukasa have NOTHING!"

The audience gasped in their sweet-little-way. "What a SHAME!"

"o.0 . . .Uhh yeah," Toboe said. "So Tsukasa has one more chance to reclaim his dignity."

Tsukasa tilted his head to the side. "What's. . ."dig-ni-ty". . .?"

"So, little wave mastah, can you guess who the grotes-"

Subaru gave Toboe a death glare and held up her axe.

"Uhh, I-I mean, heheh, LOVELY Miss Subaru is??" The redhead sweatdropped.

"Of course!" Tsukasa exclaimed. "This one was sooo obvious! She's a MARY-SUE!! Hahaha! D"

The audience twitched twice.

"You are absolutely RIGHT!" Toboe yelled. "Congrats! 1,000 points to Tsukasa, making Subaru the only one with NONE!"

Subaru glared.

"Aww, dun worry, Subaru," Toboe comforted. "You did an EXCELLENT impression of a Mary-Sue. They just think they're sooo perfect, what with the nails and the skin and the name 'n' all. . . HAHAHA!!"

"Grrr." The audience suddenly became giant, fang-bearing, in-human creatures with eyes glowing red with the look of death. "YOU DARE MAKE FUN OF THE MIGHTY MARY-SUES!!? THE MOST PERFECT BEINGS ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!!? WE WILL HAVE YOUR HEADS!!!!!"

The Mob of Monstrous Mary-Sues came running up onto the stage, creating earthquakes with every giant step they took while destroying everything in their path in the process.

"Ahhh!! AHHH!! WHAT SHOULD WE DO!!? WHAT SHOULD WE DOOOOO!!?" Subaru shrieked like the little girl she is.

Toboe whips out the Twilight Blade (why he has this we will never know). "Mwahahahaha!! How I've waited for this day to come!! The day I could be a guest-host on Whose Line while also defeating the entire race of Mary-Sues!! I'm MULTI-TASKING!! MOOWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOOHA!!" He starts slashing the Twilight Blade in every random direction, knocking down one support beam, three cameras, ten chairs, and one innocent cameraman who never had a chance. . . "MWEHEHEHAHAHOHAHAHEHAHOOHAHAHOOHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

With wide eyes, the "actors" slowly back away.

"Ummm. . . You're not "defeating" anything. . ." Tsukasa speaks up.

(FREEZE!!) "HUH!?" Toboe exclaims. He then sees he only knocked over stuff and did nothing to the Mary-Sues. "Oh."

"Never fear!!" Sora announces heroically. "I know the one weakness that every Mary-Sue has!! TAKE THIS!!" He suddenly whips out a giant poster of Brittany Spears who is lying on top of a bed wearing nothing, but a thong, her long (and in much need of a comb) hair covering her. . .uh. . .chest.

"AHHH!! NOOOOOOO!! OUR EYES!! OUR EYES!!!!!" The Monstrous Mob of Mary-Sues cover their burning, yet still PERFECT, eyes as they slowly shrink back to their normal, beautiful selves.

"Oh my GAWD!" Mary-Sue #1 exclaimed. "That is the most HORRIBLE thing I have EVER scene in my ENTIRE, PERFECT LIFE!!"

"Oh, I KNOW!" Mary-Sue #2 exclaimed back. "Brittany Spears is a perfect example of a Mary-Sue gone HORRIBLY WRONG!"

"She's now, like, an ANTI-Sue or something!" Mary-Sue #3 added.

Mary-Sue #4 let out a dramatic sigh. "I'm already starting to feel faint. . . Quickly! We must find another victim and regain our power!"

The Mary-Sues all look at each other. "HILARY DUFF!!" They gracefully run out of the building in search of the pretty (pathetic, that is) pop-star.

The actors stare after them. "o.0 . . .???"

"SORA IS THE WINNER BECAUSE HE SAVED MY LIFE!! EEEEE!!" Toboe screams and glomps the said Player Killer.

"O.O . . ."

Suddenly (is it just me or does this fic use this word a lot?), the phone on top of the host's desk which everyone just realized was there starts ringing.

"It's for me! )" Toboe picks up the phone. "Hello?? (. . . . .) Oh. (. . . . .) Ah. (. . . . .) You don't say? (. . . . .) I see. Well, thank you!" He then hangs up the phone.

"What was that all about??" Mimiru asked.

"Well. . ." The redhead suddenly (there it is again!!) breaks down crying. "THEY'RE TAKING AWAY THE SET!! THEY SAID WE'RE A MENACE TO SOCIETY AND LOST ALL OUR BROADCASTING PRIVILEGES!! WHY?? WHY??? WHYYYYYYYYYY??????????"

"Oh. Okay."

Toboe sniffled. "So what do we do now?"

"Wanna go to McDonald's, take all the cup lids, and push in all the buttons??" Tsukasa asked excitedly.

"YEAH!! DDDDD!!"

So the five set of to McDonald's. . .but little do they know what dangers await them at the everyday fast-food restaurant. . . OoOoOoh. . . OOooOOooOOooh. . . OOOOOOOOOO-

"What are you doing?" Onigiri asks, annoyed.

Uh- I'm-. . .making scary noises. . .

"Well, stop."

Okie. ;.;

.::.::FADE OUT::.::.

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!-ONIGIRI-!-NOTES-!

Oh, I also don't own But if I DID, ooh things would chaaaaange. Hehehe. P Well please review!! See ya next chapter! ;) D


	5. CAUTION: Pissedoff Authoress Ahead

Thanks to everyone who reviewed - I don't have time to put a Reviewer Response right now, but you guys all know you're awesome! Happy Thankgiving, minna-san. ;3

_**Chapter Five - **Caution: Pissed-off Authoress Ahead_

An hour later at McDonald's, the gang had just finished popping all their cup lid buttons and were now in the middle of a straw wrapper fight. . . . .

"Kyaaaahh!" Mimiru yelled, shooting a wrapper straight at Tsukasa. The silver-haired Wave Master does the Matrix-dodging-thing perfectly, the straw wrapper slowly headed toward him; he slowly bending backwards and having the wrapper just barely brush across his nose. However, he never ate the red pill, so all of this is just a daydream and he suddenly wakes up, the wrapper hitting him right in the forehead.

"T.T"

Mimiru jumps up onto the table, cackling evilly. "MWAHAHAHAHA!! VICTORYYYYY!!" This causes the whole restaurant to become silent, everyone staring at her. "Eheheh." She sweatdrops and sits back down.

A waitress then comes stomping over to their table in a somehow graceful manner and puts on a pouty-scowl, hands on her curvaceous hips. "This is the third time I have had to ask you to keep your evilness to yourself. I'm afraid I'll have to take you to the manager-"

Toboe interrupts her with the squinting of his eyes. "Hey. . . You look kinda familiar. . ."

The "actors" (yes, I'm still calling them that P) all squint their eyes, too.

"He's right. . ." Subaru agrees. "That perfectly-cascading blonde hair. . ."

"Those perfectly-shaded blue eyes. . ." Sora says.

"That perfectly-flawless skin. . ." Mimiru continues.

"And that perfectly-tuned voice. . ." Tsukasa follows.

Their eyes suddenly widen in unison. "GASP!! A MARY-SUE!!"

The waitress's voice becomes low and dark as she growls, "Yes, and I will avenge what you did to my people an hour ago!"

"You know it really doesn't sound that dramatic when you say it like that. . ." Tsukasa speaks up.

The waitress turns into Mary-Sue Monster form. "RAWWWWRR!!"

"o.o Meep."

A second after, the five anime characters are running about the restaurant, the Mary-Sue Monster Waitress right at their heels.

"ONCE I CATCH YOU, YOU WILL ALL BECOME HYPNOTIZED AND TURNED INTO MARY-SUES AND GARY-STUS!!" the Mary-Sue Monster Waitress bellowed. "THEN YOU SHALL JOIN OUR MIGHTY AND PERFECT ARMY AS WE TAKE OVER EVERY LAST FIC ON AND THEN. . .THE WORLD!!!!!"

"NOOOOO!!" Toboe and the "actors" shriek in wretched agony, covering their ears in pain.

"That's worse than the picture of Krim in a speedo Sora has hanging up in his dressing room!!" Mimiru shouts out, tears streaming down her cheeks. Everyone freezes in their tracks, looking over toward the adolescent Player Killer.

He innocently stares back at them all and shrugs. "What? His six-pack is just toooo sexy! And those BUNS! You just wanna squeeze 'em!!" He wraps his arms around himself in a giddy hug with a dreamy sigh. The others all arch an eyebrow.

"Anyway. RAAAWWWWWRRR!!!!!" the Mary-Sue Monster Waitress bellowed, pounding her chest in perfect ferocity.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!" Toboe and the "actors"squeeked, the chase starting up once again.

"Quick! Out the door!" Subaru exclaimed, pointing toward their only, glassy exit. And a second later, shards of glass filled the air as a swarm of anime characters burst out. . .

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

"OOF!!"

"UMMPH!!"

"ITAI! ITAI!"

"AAOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?"

. . .and pummeled right into the authoress.

"AUUGH!!!!!!!!!!" Onigiri screamed in frustration, pulling at her hair. "THE ONE DAY I DECIDE TO TAKE A SMALL BREAK FROM WRITING AND GO INTO THE CITY TO GORGE DOWN INCREDIBLY UNSAFE AMOUNTS OF JUNK FOOD, I FIND OUT MY CHARACTERS HAVE LEFT THE STUDIO AND _DESTROYED _THE HEAVEN OF LAZY, GROTESQUELY OVER-WEIGHT AMERICAN SLOBS EVERYWHERE!!!! _NOW_ HOW WILL THEY BE ABLE TO EAT SANDWHICHES MADE OF DISGUSTING SOGGY BREAD THAT PEOPLE CLAIM TO HAVE SYRUP BAKED INSIDE WHEN WE ALL KNOW IT WAS JUST DIPPED IN OLD, SOUR FRENCH FRY GREASE, COLD, BURNT BACON, AND UNCOOKED EGGS WHILE NOT FEELING A SMIDGE OF GUILT BECAUSE THEY BOUGHT A DIET COKE WITH IT!!!!????"

"But-. . ." Subaru peeped, brushing debris off her clothes. "There's a monstrous Mary-Sue waitress after. . .us. . ." Her sentace trailed off as she scrunched her face and set her teeth, working with all her might to rub off a grass stain on her boot.

"Oh, _please_," Onigiri sighed, rolling her eyes. "You really think you've had everyone fooled all this time?"

"Whatever are you talking about?" Subaru inquiried, her voice becoming a bit more soft and sexier halfway through the sentance.

"See!!?" Onigiri exclaimed, pointing an accusimng finger at the girl. "She used waaay too proper English and her voice became irrisistable!! But there's only one way for absolute proof - THIS!!!!!" The authoress whipped out a mirror and held it in front of Subaru, foam beginning to seep from her mouth as her breathing grew heavier.

"A mirror??" Tsukasa paroted.

"Yes. . ." Onigiri hissed, pushing the reflective glass closer to Subaru's face. "Every Mary-Sue's greatest weakness is one thing: her own reflection."

"Ooooh. ." Subaru cooed, flipping her hair and flashing the mirror a smile. "Daaaamn, girl, you lookin' _fiiiine_. ." She then blew her reflection a kiss.

"Hey, what's this. . .?" Mimiru walked up from behind Subaru and examined her back. "A zipper??" She pulled down and the green-haired girl's skin, clothes, _everything_ peeled away and slithered to the ground. Everyone GASPED!!!-ed. The real Subaru turned out to be standing at six feet and seven inches with a thin, curvaceous, fully filled out body wearing short shorts, adorable pink and baby blue toe-socks with a cute, little bow at the top, black high-heels with a matching bow, a white-too-tight-short-sleeved-T-shirt with "hottie" written in pink across the chest, the i dotted with a heart, a pink shawl, large, gold hoop earrings, luscious red lips, and the Mary-Sue works.

"Yes. . .it's ever-so-true. . ." the now brunette-and-blonde-highlighted girl admitted, beautiful tears welling up in her dazzling, forest green eyes. "The reason I hid my true self from you all is because of my very first boyfriend. I loved him oh-so-much, and I thought he felt the same, but-"

"Man, she even has a tragic past! If this doesn't convince ya, I don't know what will. . ." Onigiri crossed her arms and shook her head in pity. The rest of them mournfully bowed their heads in deep sympathy and they all walked away.

"Whaat!?" Subaru shrieked disbelievingly. "How can you hate me!!? Everyone loves me!! _Everyone_!! I'm a Mary-Sue!! A Mary-Sue, dammit!! A MARY-SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE. . . . .!!"

"Damn. . ." Tsukasa mumbled under his breath. "She was this hot babe all along. . . I can't believe I chose Mimiru over her. . ." He slapped his forehead and Mimiru shot him a glare.

"So what're we gonna do about the government taking the studio back from us?" Sora suddenly piped up. Onigiri immediately froze and everyone shot the Player Killer a death glare as she slowly turned around. . .

"**_WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????_**"

.::TBC::.


	6. The Race

**To the reviewers:**

_Sakura-chan:_ You are very welcome for keeping you sane-ly insane. But is that state of mind really _legal_:P

_Terra-san:_ I shall keep your suggestion in mind. ;)

_Rose-san:_ (is glomped) XP :33 I'm glad you "LOVE" the story; now I may sleep at night. :D And scroll down to the Onigiri Notes section to hear about reviewers being in the fic.

_Hitokiri-san:_ Thanks for the review! Oh, and here's your head back. I found it snoring under my computer chair. :)

_Angel-san:_ Yes, Whose Line is the funniest "game show" on the planet. I used to look around the site for any Whose Line fics with my favorite anime characters, but it was like, "What the hell? This has nothing to do with the anime, they just basically changed the actors' names to the character's names!" And thus, this story was born. It's okay, a lot of people cry after hearing it. :P

_Cracker-san:_ Wow! That's a lot of reading all in one day! And I shall convert your bagillion points into kisses and give them to Sora and Riku _right away_! XD

**Thank you all for the comments! (heart-heart)**

ONIGIRI NOTES:

Okay, people have wanted to be in the story, and I was planning on it, but would that be considered interactive? Just to be on the safe side, I don't think I'll have any of my reviewers in the actual story. Gomen nasai!

_CHAPTER SIX _**The Race**

"We. . .lost. . .our. . .privileges. . .?" Onigiri seethed with raging anger.

"Wait a minute. . ." Tsukasa thought aloud, tapping a finger against his chin. "What if we all went to argue in court and fight for the set back?"

"Waiiiiiii!" Onigiri tackled the silver-haired Wave Master in a cannibalistic glomp. "Thank you for the completely unexpected plot twist, Tsukasa-kun!"

"AHEM," Mimiru coughed with a hint of jealousy. "What about the plot we already _had_? We can't just go changing the whole point of the story suddenly. We're supposed to be playing Whose Line; it's even in the title!"

"Well. . .we could still play the games while on our way to the courthouse. . ." Toboe shrugged sheepishly as he voiced his opinion.

"Waii! An even BETTER idea!" Onigiri shoved Tsukasa to the ground and the red-headed okami became her new glomp-victim.

_**Seconds later. . .**_

"Okay. . So let's see where we should be headed first." The authoress unrolled a large, extensive map of wherever the hell they were, took out a red Sharpie, and carefully traced the long, winding roads that led to the closet courthouse nearby, thinking out loud as she worked. "Hmm. . . If we started off on the 59, then took a right on 46 to cut through the woods, with a shortcut onto 73. . .we just may get there in one piece!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" they all cheered excitedly. Then, Sora crouched down low in a sprinting position.

"Last one there has to watch nothing but crappy, dubbed anime for a moooooooooooooonth. . .!" he yelled as he took off running down the narrow, city road, cars honking and beeping angrily while he leaped gaily (both terms can be used :3) from one hood to the next.

Everyone was suddenly still as stone, faces pale. "We _must_ beat him. . ." Onigiri said.

They all then huddled together like an American football team, everyone placing a hand in the middle of the circle of them, one on top of the other.

"One. . . Two. . . Three!"

"FOR JAPANESE ANIME!" they all shouted in unison, hands thrown up into the air, and took off running after the giddy Player Killer.

. . .A few minutes later, everyone was completely out of breath, hands and tongues practically dragging across the ground as they panted in time to the beads of sweat pouring down their faces. "How far have we gone so far. . .?" Mimiru gasped out to the authoress, bags of skin hanging down from her eyes onto the ground, as well.

The girl checked her map. "Six feet."

". . .And how many more left. . .?"

"5,928. ."

Mimiru, Tsukasa, and Toboe all groaned.

"But wait. . ." Onigiri said in a suspicious tone, suddenly stopping and slowly turning around to the others with an evil smile. "Little Toboe-kun is a wolf, right. . .?"

Mimiru, Tsukasa, and Onigiri sat happily with faces of ":3" as they were pulled along by a muzzled and chained okami-form Toboe on a handmade sled they had whipped up from old cardboard and metal pipes that were graciously given to them by some strangers in a back alley kicking an elderly lady screaming for help.

"You know, I feel kinda bad for not helping that old lady. . ." Tsukasa muttered.

All of a sudden, the sled poofed to rubble. "Great," Onigiri growled. "Now you jinxed us with your 'morality'. . ."

"Sorry. . ;.;"

"Well- (pant)-" Toboe spoke up, trying to catch his breath. "We could always- (pant)- catch a bus." He then collapsed to the ground in exhaustion.

Mimiru crossed her arms with a scowl. "I need more lines. . ."

A few minutes later, the gang sauntered down to the terminal for a bus schedule. Every one of them somehow managed to stride a whole five feet while keeping a "cool" presence and everything was going their way – even the sun shone off them perfectly!

Being a brave one, Onigiri took the lead and suavely made her way to the bored-looking girl behind the counter. "Excuse me, miss, but what time does the 12:00 bus arrive. . .?" (you seriously didn't think they could pull it off for long, didja?)

The girl's tedious glare became even more pissed-off-at-the-world. "Take a wild guess," she replied monotonously. "But don't risk pulling a brain muscle, 'cause you just missed it, anyway." She slowly lifted a hand and pointed outside.

"HUH?" Onigiri spun around and barely caught a glimpse of the said bus speeding right past the empty stop.

"And the next one doesn't arrive until three hours."

"Sic 'im, Toboe-"

"Wait!" Mimiru hastily interrupted. "We're already going to court. Do you really want _more_ crap held against us?"

A beat of anxious silence.

Onigiri slumped her shoulders and sighed. "Fine. . ."

"Good. Then let's play a round of Ninety-second Alphabet while we wait:33"

Sitting in a dark, grimy corner of the terminal with flies randomly buzzing about and which most people tend to go out of their way to stay clear from, a shaggy, three-toothed hobo smiles. "Welcome to Whose Line, everybody! We've got a great show for you this. . .noon. . .but first let's introduce all these big-eyed, weird-hair funny people! Will work for food, it's Onigiri!"

"Will work for food, it's Toboe!"

"Will work for food, it's Tsukasa!"

"And will work for food, it's- WAHHHHH!"

Onigiri konks him in the head and swipes the microphone away, then scurries back to the others. "Yeah, anyway, here's how the game works: we'll start with "A" and so-and-so will need to say a sentence starting with that letter. Then, the next person will start his or her sentence with "B", the next person with "C", and so on until we go all around the alphabet and get back to our original starting point, all in 90 seconds. The scene is we're all trapped at the bottom of a well, and all we have to save us is a Grunty – now, let's get to it!"

"Anyone wanna try listening to me next time I say, "That's not a well that will take us back to the Feudal Era". . .?" Mimiru asked with a dismal face.

Tsukasa sputtered out, "But - But they're both gray! ;.;"

"Color is the same for _all _wells, Tsukasa. . ." Onigiri rolled her eyes.

Toboe shot an accusing finger toward the authoress. "Donuts have holes like wells, but _they're _BROWN! Explain _that_!"

Onigiri stared at him, unblinking, for a moment, then dropped her head with slumped shoulders. "Fuck."

"Good comeback," Mimiru mumbled sarcastically, shaking her head in pity.

"How are we ever going to get out of here? ;.;" Tsukasa wailed.

Toboe's head suddenly perks up. "Is that a Grunty I hear. .?"

"Just sounds like long, gruff wheezing coming from a short and pudgy boar-like animal found in The World, to me," Onigiri replied. Everyone stared at her blankly.

Mimiru then spoke up, "Know what? Lots of people may think you're one of the most hilarious parody writers on this site, but that doesn't me you can get away with corny jokes."

"Mimiru, keep your focus on the task at hand – somehow using the Grunty to help us escape from this hellhole!" the authoress hastily exclaimed.

"Noose!" Toboe blurted out. "One of us will hang the Grunty, and then we all shall devour its luscious meat – our body fat growing and growing until we BLAST out of the well!"

"Phooey, the one day I leave my noose at home. . ." Onigiri muttered.

"Quincy was John Adams's middle name," Mimiru stated matter-of-factly.

Tsukasa's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Shut up and help me teach this Grunty how to fly, so we can get outta here!" Onigiri growled.

Toboe arched an eyebrow. "They've talked of pigs flying, but Grunties?"

"Ugly little things Grunties are, though – I don't wanna see them flying about every time I walk outside." Mimiru stuck her tongue out in disgust.

Tsukasa sighed. "Venice, Italy would have been a much safer place to live. . ."

"Wait, isn't that the place built on top of 117 islands and could possibly sink someday?" Toboe asked.

"Xylophone players should dedicate a song of mourning to that poor city. . ." Tsukasa replied sadly.

"Yo, is anyone up there that can take me away from these people?" Onigiri frantically shouted to the sky.

Mimiru simply sat down with a solemn face. "Zeus, help us, it seems like we'll be trapped down here forever. . . ."

And, conveniently, 90 seconds in the real world is actually 3 hours in fanfiction.

"Attention, everyone!" the intercom blared. "The next bus should be arriving in five minutes!"

So Onigiri, Mimiru, Tsukasa, and Toboe all hopped onto the 3:00 bus.

"Well, hell-o, li'l young'ns!" the driver bellowed merrily. He gave them a huge grin, eyes hidden behind thick, dark sunglasses. "Ah'm Billy Bob Bernard Brandon Bing Bang Boom, and ah be yo' blind bus drivah."

"Meep! o.o" everyone squeaked, faces white as chalk. They all stampeded back toward the door, clawing and knocking each other down in madness to get out, but it swung close, scorching red lasers surrounded it, and chains wrapped around it with a double lock a moment too soon. Solemnly, they turned back around and made their way to a seat.

"Now, this har vehicle is installed widda highly advanced safety protection device becuzza my po' eye-sight. It wu' made outta the most heaviest solid substance known t' man, which protects it fruhm any kinda accidents on da road. Unfortunately, the great weight _also _would cause it t' sink down in t' the darkest depths of the ocean if we ever happened t' swerve off da side o' da road and plunge in t' da city lake."

Toboe, Mimiru, and Tsukasa gulped while Onigiri meekly spoke up, "Heheheh. . Well, that would never really _happen_, right. . .?"

"Oh, no, o' COURSE not! Ah am a _very careful driver_."

_**Moments later. . .**_

The authoress, okami, and "actors" all hung onto the luggage compartments for dear life as the bus zoomed down the street, Billy Bob Bernard Brandon Bing Bang Boom controlling the steering wheel with his large feet while talking on his cell phone, eating a ham sandwich, and playing solitaire.

"BILLY, WATCH OUUUUUUT!"

"Whuh!" Caught off-guard, Billy Bob Bernard Brandom Bing Bang Boom's feet flung off the steering wheel, causing the large bus to suddenly swerve sharply to the right. . . . .

Right off the _road_, that is. . .

. . .and plunging into the water below.

**SPLOOSH! .. glub, glub**

_TBC_


	7. And The Verdict Is

**To the reviewers:**

_Kaze-san:_ Hey, I'm not a drill sergeant, so there's no need to salute! Buffing my shoes, doing all my chores, and feeding me grapes while fanning me will be fine. ;p Hope you like this chapter just as much as the others!

_randomguy-san:_ Gyah, now you can find out! Thanks for the review. :)

_Liika/Sakura/Menou Kohaku/A H H H H H!:_ Onigiri-sama, eh? Muahaha, I have the power. . . :3 I'm glad you love it. Maybe we could even pull some strings and make it legal to marry works or literature. . . ;p

Kamon-san: It's never too late to review:D I think this chapter just happens to be the most random yet. . . 

_natepetrie:_ Nothing says I love your story more than the F word. ;) Thanks.

cracker-san: Thank ya very much. ;D 

_LavenderAlana-san:_ Woah. I'm not paying for your hospital bill. ;)

**I love you all so much! Keep them reviews comin'! (heart-heart)**

-

ONIGIRI NOTES:

I have bad news. They're not making another Lizzie McGuire movie, chocolate hasn't been proven to cause immediate death, and the world isn't going to end. No, it's much worse. THIS IS THE FINAL CHAPTER OF WHOSE LINE WITH THE HACKERS! I didn't even realize it until I had already typed half of it. I just suddenly looked at the screen and said, "Oh. . . I guess this is it." It's okay to cry if you have to.

-

_CHAPTER SEVEN _**And The Verdict Is. . .**

Onigiri's eyes fluttered open. "Am I in Heaven. . . . .?"

"Think. Whenever someone asks that after a big disaster, it's never true."

"Huh. . .?" The authoress's vision slowly focused, revealing a sour, wrinkled face looming over her. "E E E E E E E K!" she screeched, jumping to her feet and waking her anime companions sprawled out on the floor around her. "Is this like that one Christmas story where the dude is visited by those three spirits! Are you the spirit of Christmas Fartbags!"

"NO!" the old lady screamed, snapping a thick, wooden ruler down onto the desk she was sitting behind. She then cleared her throat, adjusted her half-moon glasses, and continued in a more calm tone, "This is the realm between Heaven. . .and Hell."

"Woah! This is _so_ much cooler than the Game Over sequence they have for The World!" Tsukasa exclaimed.

"But what's the point of it?" Mimiru questioned.

"The point is, little missy, that the public bus system you whippersnappers rode on is very popular. However, the big cheeses in charge keep assigning morons to drive the buses! So everyone ends up dead. And like I said, if you could hear straight instead o' makin' yourselves deaf with your loud rock 'n' roll, the bus system is so popular that we've had an overload of souls all coming in at once. Not even God can judge that fast, and so all souls 'in waiting' come here. Now take a number and go into the waiting room on your right."

Onigiri, Tsukasa, Mimiru, and Toboe all shuffled into the plain room filled with rows of seemingly comfortable chairs until you sit on them as far as the eye could see. They took the four empty seats closet to the door. As time sluggishly ticked by, Mimiru and Tsukasa pretended to interest themselves in copies of _Bloodless Weekly_ while Onigiri nudged Toboe every few minutes to whisper, "Whaddaya think _that _guy died from?"

Hours passed, names were called, and the number of people impatiently being patient began to decrease. Finally, the gang sat all alone.

"It's quiet. . ." Onigiri spoke up.

"It was quiet since we came in," Mimiru said.

"Yeah, but now it's _too_ quiet. . ."

"What is that even supposed to _mean_?"

Suddenly, a far-off creaking sound interrupted their dispute. It seemed to go in circles around them as it grew louder and louder. Spidery cracks began to slowly trail up the side of the wall they faced.

A little bug then broke through the plaster and scurried off somewhere.

Onigiri sighed. "Even in the Afterlife they have cockroaches."

A second later, with an eardrum-shattering scream, the Mary-Sue Monster burst through the same wall and lunged after the quartet. Screaming "bloody murder," "bloody Mary," and, "I want chicken," Tsukasa, Mimiru, and Toboe dashed for their. . .deaths to the next scene.

"The courthouse!" Mimiru exclaimed with glee. "We made it!"

Right then, Sora came running at them full-speed, cackling maniacally. However, the three stepped to the side just in time, causing the Player Killer to smack gruesomely into the hard wall of the enormous building. "It was. . . .a tie. . . ." the pained, muffled voice was barely audible from his position of kissing brick.

Short attention span kicking in, Toboe suddenly asked, "Hey. . . Where's Onigiri at?"

Mimiru gasped. "That bitch! She ditched us! Right when we actually have to do some real work, too! And now she's making me use too many exclamation marks!"

"Isn't it exclamation _points_?" Sora cut in.

"You know, I like commas, myself," Tsukasa said, hugging himself.

Toboe shrugged. "Periods are okay."

"SO NOW YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME FOR BEING A GIRL! SEXIST BASTARD!" Mimiru screamed in rage.

Sora quickly got between her and the okami. "Don't you think you're a _bit_ overreacting?"

"Fight, fight, fight, it's all we ever do," Tsukasa sulked.

"Let's just go in the courthouse and get this over with." Toboe began to walk up the first of thousands of steps; the other three followed after him.

"Oh. My. Budha." The anime characters stared up at the judge with wide, unbelieving eyes.

"Hi, guyyys!" Onigiri shouted happily, feverishly waving her hand that was holding the mallet. From all the force, the head of it snapped off and went rolling down the floor. ". . . BAILIFF! GET ME ANOTHER MALLET!"

"That's the fifth one this week. . ." the latter grumbled, handing her the desired item.

Tasking her new mallet, Onigiri then slammed it onto the large desk and announced, "The courtroom is now is session, y'all!"

Still a bit dazed, the gang sat down. However, Toboe spoke up, "_You're_ our judge when you were part of the problem. . .?"

"GUILTY!" the authoress bellowed with another bang on the desk.

The four looked at her with pale faces and horrified eyes.

"Hahaha! Just kidding! Being a judge is so much fun. . ." she sighed.

"So, Toboe-san, where were you on the night of January 53rd, 1972. . .?" Onigiri interrogated menacingly.

"Uh h, the 'offense' happened only a few weeks ago," the okami replied. "And January doesn't even have 53 days. _And _isn't the _opposing attorney_ supposed to be the one questioning me?"

"SO YOU CAN'T GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT, HUH? WELL, THEN LET'S JUST SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THESE MULTIPLE TAPINGS KIBA RECORDED OF YOU IN THE SHOWER!"

"What?" Toboe screamed.

Kiba jumped up from within the audience. "WHAT?"

Every Kiba fangirl in the world shrieked, "**_WHAT!"_**

Blushing, the beiliff stepped up to Onigiri and whispered something in her ear. "Uh-huh. . . .yeah. . . ." Once he left, she then announced (again), "Okay, we're gonna settle this nice 'n' easy, with a game from WHOSE LINE!"

The audience whooped and cheered.

"AND TO HELP WITH THIS GAME, WE HAVE WITH US THE ACTUAL DREW CAREY. . . . ."

People gasped; some even fainted.

". . . . .'S BROTHER'S WIFE'S COUSIN'S SISTER'S FRIEND'S AUNT'S UNCLE'S FATHER'S DOG!"

"RuffEHHGH!" A splatter of vomit was heard backstage, and a few moments later, said dog came limping out, fur knotted and turning gray with a lazy eye.

"This is Cute-sie," Onigiri explained. "After the game is over, he'll judge how well you did. The scoring will be as follows: If he barfs, you're in for life. If he soils the floor, you're in for twenty. If he does both at the same time, you're innocent. And if he simply keels over just like that, you're off with a $70 fine. Now, let's. . .Make a Date! Tsukasa will be Bachelor Number One, Sora will be Bachelor Number Two, and Toboe will be Bachelor Number Three, while Mimiru is the Unfortunate Bachelorette!" The game began with the hit of her mallet.

"Bachelor Number One-"

"Feh."

"-I like a guy who's tough enough to protect me from nasty demons that want to slice off my head and drink the cold blood from my neck, but soft enough to enjoy cuddling up under a blanket with a warm fire blazing while we read Suki together. Does that sound like you?"

"Feh."

". ._Okay_, on to bachelor Number Two."

"Ooh-hoo-hoo. . .!"

"Bachelor Number Two, my favorite color is rainbow. What's yours?"

"Ooh, anything you're wearin' under that miniskirt, girlie. Yesiree. Ooh-hoo-hoo!"

"I guess that would be see-through. . . Okay. Bachelor Number Three."

". . .?"

"U h h h h h h m m, I dunno. What's your personailty like?"

"I come in all sorts of flavors! Strawberry, chocolate, coconut. . .dripping down a delicious stick!"

BANG! "Okay, Mimiru, guess who they are."

"I'm thinking Bachelor Number One is. . . .Inuyasha?"

"No, you idiot, it was obviously Jaganashi Hiei from Yuu Yuu Hakusho!" Onigiri shouted, hands up in the air. "Inuyasha's "feh" is a more annoyed tone, while Hiei's is a more irritated one. Sheesh!"

Mimiru arched an eyebrow. "U m m m m, okay, then. Bachelor Number Two is. . .Master Roshi from Dragonball?"

"Dragonball _and _Dragonball Z, hun." Onigiri shook her head disapprovingly.

"Well, I _would _say what Bachelor Number Three is, but I don't think it's appropriate. . ."

The authoress's eyes widened. "A box of pocky, you _sicko_!"

"You're calling me a sicko. . . . .?"

BANG! BANG! "Okay, let's get on with the judging."

"RuffEHHGH!" Splat.

"I sentence you to a lifetime in the slammer."

Mimiru and Sora broke down into tears, while Tsukasa rocked back and forth, sucking his thumb in a fetal position, and Toboe got down on his knees in front of the judge's desk, begging for mercy.

Onigiri then suddenly exclaimed with a smile, "But the sentences don't matter, so you're free to go!"

The quartet jumped up and cheered. "YAY!"

The ceiling mechanically split in two and opened up, a disco ball reveling itself as the regular lights shut off and multicolor strobe lights dance around the room. The audience all started dancing.

"Hi it, Marshall!" Onigiri gave the signal with a point to Eminem.

Just lose it 

**HAHAHAHAHA!**

**Just lose it**

**HAHAHAHAHA!**

**Go crazy**

**HAHAHAHAHA!**

**Oh, baby**

**HAHA!**

**Oh, baby, baby**

With a scowl, Drew Carey hit "Off" on the remote, and everything went black. "This show sucks!"

_-The-End-_

ONIGIRI NOTES:

I really hope you enjoyed. . .this. . .last. . .chapter. (sniff, sniff) I might even do a small epilogue. . . BUT DON'T HOLD ME TO IT! I said might. And with that I bid you sayonara.

_Now review or you're as heartless as. . .**ME**!_


End file.
